Standing up!

I woke up once again thinking of someone who I wanted to rescue. Truth is I am upset. I have been hurt by this person, which I enabled to happen over and over. I constantly made excuses. When do we start to accept that we need to change our behavior? When the pain is too much? I wonder. I mean, I allowed many people to walk all over me, on the premise that they didn't mean too (convinced myself, they couldn't do it truly intentionally). Of course, I felt used, hurt and became angry in the moment as it happened though I also hurried to burry deep down how I felt. I didn't believe I had a right to stand up for myself. Today, I comprehend I struggle between what I know and think, and what I believe. I may know that I have the right to my feelings though I don't believe it. As a result, I coward and let "abuse" happen. 

ACoA has its own serenity prayer version:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."

I do come to understand that what made me stay for so long by the side of my tormentors, or ignore my true feelings is that I hoped one day, these people would change because they could. Today, I had to admit I can only change my behavior. Furthermore, hoping that others get better needs to cease being a preoccupation of mine. These people that hurt me (and themselves) are obviously in denial. I cannot force them to look at themselves. I can only remove myself from further painful situations. I can stop allowing them to hurt me by keeping my distance. I'll admit it is difficult at first as I felt responsible for their wellbeing for so long, hence felt as if I was letting them down. I now comprehend, I never let them down, instead I was letting myself down.