Life is a journey

I am a people pleaser. I suffer as it is affecting me: I am codependent. I judge and second guess myself all the time. I struggle with anxiety which stems from a low self esteem. My childhood without getting into the details affected me more than I was willing to admit. As I begin the process to recovery, I wish to let others know that they are not alone. I will share my insights and thoughts as I work toward my goal: finding myself.

To be codependent means for me: I can't say no, I fear I am letting others down, I feel guilt for not helping others (even though at times I don't want to), I feel responsible for making others happy (including strangers).

Price to pay: I have been labeled "type A" personality, tending toward "perfectionism". In social settings, I feel at odd, hence avoid socializing by helping the host, will offer to do the dishes..., I feel uncomfortable and out of place around loud music, noise, crowd of people, as I feel confused.
Alternatively, I can seem to seek the attention by becoming loud without realizing it. Either way, I always feel like a failure as I know my behavior is not how I wish I had acted.

I compulsively seek acceptance. I will hide what I feel to avoid disapproval while I can be explaining my issues to others without them listening as mostly irrelevant to them. It seems I don't respect others' personal space. I don't realize what I did until later. It is embarrassing.

While I can be a great listener to many, I can without intent engage in a discussion where I am not really listening, instead I am having a monologue. I come to realize it is not a "discussion". I am often not aware I am doing it until later. It is mortifying.

Codependent individuals care about others. We come with good intentions. The struggle is we tend to want others to want what we think to be best in our opinion. Truth is others need to express themselves, which we tend to deflect.

I don't accept compliments or favors well. I tend to think I don't deserve them.

I think about the past constantly. I wish I could alter my past actions or the outcomes of interactions.

Today, I come to accept that I need to learn to set boundaries for myself while respecting others' boundaries. I need to leave the past in the past, as I can't change it. I can only change my behavior.

First step: Recognizing the issues

• I feel like I am walking on egg shells
• I fear confrontation hence avoid such at all costs
• Make poor (or wrong) decisions trying to accommodate others
• Feel angry at myself for letting others get their way (doormat)
• Feel guilt for telling little white lies as to avoid anger and conflicts with others
• Feel used 
• Feel incapacitated to say "NO"
• Feel hurt (ashamed) by the lack of control in my behavior 
• Find it difficult if not impossible to end an obviously dysfunctional relationship 
• Fear offending others if we were to impose our desires upon them