Breaking the pattern of codependency

Yesterday, I chose to regain control of my life. Truth is I hit rock bottom (wakeup call), which triggered me to make change imperative. Instead of ignoring or minimizing the facts, I finally recognized them as difficult and painful, and true. Begins my recovery process.

1. Understanding what is meant by codependency. 

As described by Darlene Lancer, MFT (licensed marriage and family therapist): "In relationships, codependents' lives revolve around someone else - especially those they love. Their loved ones preoccupy their thoughts, feelings, and conversations. Like jumpy rabbits, they react to everything, put aside what they need and feel, and try to control what they can't. The stress of it feels normal, but it's not."

"Codependency is insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and with others."

"Codependents live with a high degree of shame, stress, and reactivity. They suppress their feelings or explode, and have behaviors that stem from fear, guilt, and the need to control others. [...] Often codependent relationships involve emotional or physical abuse and addiction. [...] codependents feel trapped and unhappy because they give up themselves by denying or suppressing their needs and feelings and fear being alone or rejected. To cope, they sometimes disregard what's actually happening in the present." (This rings true for myself)

"Codependents feel uncomfortable being themselves. They develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, to their own self-criticism, and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To be acceptable to others and to themselves, they hide who they are and become who they aren't. Shame due to earlier trauma conceals their real, core self, which they can't access. Many codependents aren't even aware of how self-critical they are, yet they suffer "tyranny of the shoulds"." (I always felt as if I have a mask on, pretending to be someone I am not, someone others expect me to be)

"Dysfunctional parenting in childhood (such as, critical, indifferent, rigid, invasive, inconsistent, or rejecting parents) causes codependents to repress their authentic feelings and develop deep shame-based beliefs about who they are and their rights, needs and lovability. Sometimes their beliefs are due to abuse, and sometimes they're inferred from the behavior of indifferent or emotionally unavailable parents. Shame is also the result of the anger they turned against themselves, instead of directing it toward the parents they looked up to and relied upon for survival."

"To get by, many codependents learned to comply and measure up to an imagined ideal. Others withdrew or rebelled. As adults, some codependents constantly fell inadequate, whereas others identify with their ideal self and think they have high self-esteem. Many become perfectionists to balance the self-hatred they feel inside. They may strive to be loving, good, beautiful, accomplished, or successful in an effort to prove their worth and/or to be independent and never again need anyone. Yet, the more they try, the more depressed they become, because they're abandoning the real self that wasn't nurtured by their original caretakers."

"denial is a symptom of codependency"

2. What codependents feel

"Because either you weren't taught to name your feelings or your childhood environment prevented their free expression, it's likely that you're not often aware of your feelings. Having emotions is different. Codependents can cry and rage, but aren't able to name a feeling or know why they're upset." (How I feel)

"People who are overwhelmed with feelings need to contain and understand them." (I feel overwhelmed by my feelings which I don't understand)


As Karen Horney described there are three personality styles that "people develop in order to cope with self-alienation and the fear, helplessness, and isolation of childhood."

1. Neurotic compliance: individuals who believe they can only feel loved and secure if they're passive and comply.
2. Neurotic aggression: individuals who view life as a struggle and conclude they must be aggressive and in control.
3. Neurotic withdrawal: individuals who ensure their safety by withdrawing emotionally from interactions. 

1. Neurotic compliance: 

• need for affection and approval
• need for a partner, believing that love will make you happy and that your partner will fulfill your expectations and responsibilities
• need to restrict your behavior and expectations within narrow borders underestimating your potential and living an inconspicuous life

2. Neurotic aggression:

• need for power and domination of others with contempt for weakness
• need to exploit and manipulate others, viewing them as objects to be used
• need for social recognition or prestige
• need for admiration of your ideal self
• need for personal achievement combined with resentment when others don't recognize you

3. Neurotic withdrawal:

• need for self-sufficiency and independence to the extent that you avoid close relationships
• need for perfection, worrying about possible errors and defects, and feeling superior to others
• need to restrict your behavior and expectations within narrow borders, underestimating your potential and living an inconspicuous life