Attempting to let go of the pain and cease being angry

These past few days, I realized that I cannot run away from my past: the pain remains. I feel as if I live in fears. I worry about everything and constantly try to control my surrounding as I live afraid. Truth is I am scared to get hurt though really I am hurting myself by living in fear. I can't forget what happened in my childhood, nor can I erase from my memory what I heard. I can however slowly and with practice let go of my fears. I need to accept that things today and tomorrow are and will be different. I need to be living in the present not worrying. As a result, I need to let go of my anger. I always thought I was in control of my anger, I was wrong. Truth is anger is an emotion that does nothing good for my well being. On the contrary, I am embarrassed by it. I don't want to be an angry person. Hence, I need to comprehend better why I am angry and how I can prevent it from controlling me. Yes, I am angry that I never felt part of a family, that my mother who should have been my pillar turned verbally on me. I am upset that alcohol stole my mother and became an obstacle between my family and I. I am upset that I can't forgive yet and let go of the pain. I thought I could, though recently I realized I still had anger buried deep inside. While I'll admit I comprehend anger is an emotion that alerts me, it is toxic and I strongly believe nobody deserves to be yelled or insulted at, despite the pain they caused. I tend to believe perhaps naively that those that hurt us, only hurt us because themselves hurt too. So, while I am angry at my "mother" for her words and actions growing up, she is a human hence not perfect. Yelling or insulting her does not help her nor I. I feel more guilty afterward as I feel I was mean. I don't have to forgive, excuse nor forget what happened, though I must let go for my sanity and for the ones I care about including my mother, father and siblings. I can't still be mad for something I had no control over and which happened years ago. Being angry won't change things, though it certainly will consume me.

As I try to find peace, I wish anyone struggling with anger to work also on letting go. It isn't easy though I truly believe we need to cease being angry. We have a right to our feelings hence feel angry though we must accept that being angry does nothing beneficial for us.