Going forward

I wish to share my experience in hope to prevent others to get hurt. I grew up in a home with a violent alcoholic parent: my mother. Truth is I didn't let go of my pain yet. I am in the process of healing myself. As strange as it may sound to many who didn't grow up in such condition, it is painful and affects us deeply. I thought once I'd leave far away from my family, I'd be safe. I was wrong. I have PTSD, I still jump whenever I get startled. I fear others, as I am afraid I will get hurt. Love is scaring me as I fear getting hurt: rejected. I recently had to cut ties with someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive. That person was controlling, however, I don't entirely condemn him, he obviously has serious issues if he can only insult me as a mean for control and power in our "relationship". I admit like others who are verbally assaulted, I didn't think I could stand up for myself as feared I would be letting him down otherwise. I am angry deep inside at him for hurting me and affecting my self-esteem though I also comprehend that he must hurt if this is how he treated me as a mean to keep me by. Today, I comprehend I didn't ask for him to hurt me nor disrespect me. I have to take care of myself, I cannot change him. As a result, I chose to concentrate on myself and walk away. Truth is he pushed me away by his behavior and words. I don't deserve nor want to be treated so poorly. Contrary to what he would claim: "he isn't the best thing that happened to me, he may well have been one of the worst thing as toxic".