Life is now

Surviving meant being in denial. Yesterday, I came to accept that my mother may never apologize nor get better. Part of me was angry as I feel she owes us all an apology for hurting us. Though, I also think that for a parent to face the responsibility of having hurt your children must be horrific, hence, I tell myself that if she didn't get sober or chose to face her responsibility, it's because it would harm her too much. I also reminded myself that she already was hurt to start with, otherwise, she wouldn't have been drinking to swallow her pain. As her child, I will always love her, hence, I need to let go of the fact that it never was nor would it have been different. I need to live in the present.

• there are 3 options: remove yourself from the situation, change it or accept it.
• learning to communicate boundaries effectively "I am not comfortable with that", "I appreciate if you wouldn't...", "Please don't..."

Attempting to let go of the pain and cease being angry

These past few days, I realized that I cannot run away from my past: the pain remains. I feel as if I live in fears. I worry about everything and constantly try to control my surrounding as I live afraid. Truth is I am scared to get hurt though really I am hurting myself by living in fear. I can't forget what happened in my childhood, nor can I erase from my memory what I heard. I can however slowly and with practice let go of my fears. I need to accept that things today and tomorrow are and will be different. I need to be living in the present not worrying. As a result, I need to let go of my anger. I always thought I was in control of my anger, I was wrong. Truth is anger is an emotion that does nothing good for my well being. On the contrary, I am embarrassed by it. I don't want to be an angry person. Hence, I need to comprehend better why I am angry and how I can prevent it from controlling me. Yes, I am angry that I never felt part of a family, that my mother who should have been my pillar turned verbally on me. I am upset that alcohol stole my mother and became an obstacle between my family and I. I am upset that I can't forgive yet and let go of the pain. I thought I could, though recently I realized I still had anger buried deep inside. While I'll admit I comprehend anger is an emotion that alerts me, it is toxic and I strongly believe nobody deserves to be yelled or insulted at, despite the pain they caused. I tend to believe perhaps naively that those that hurt us, only hurt us because themselves hurt too. So, while I am angry at my "mother" for her words and actions growing up, she is a human hence not perfect. Yelling or insulting her does not help her nor I. I feel more guilty afterward as I feel I was mean. I don't have to forgive, excuse nor forget what happened, though I must let go for my sanity and for the ones I care about including my mother, father and siblings. I can't still be mad for something I had no control over and which happened years ago. Being angry won't change things, though it certainly will consume me.

As I try to find peace, I wish anyone struggling with anger to work also on letting go. It isn't easy though I truly believe we need to cease being angry. We have a right to our feelings hence feel angry though we must accept that being angry does nothing beneficial for us.

Going forward

I wish to share my experience in hope to prevent others to get hurt. I grew up in a home with a violent alcoholic parent: my mother. Truth is I didn't let go of my pain yet. I am in the process of healing myself. As strange as it may sound to many who didn't grow up in such condition, it is painful and affects us deeply. I thought once I'd leave far away from my family, I'd be safe. I was wrong. I have PTSD, I still jump whenever I get startled. I fear others, as I am afraid I will get hurt. Love is scaring me as I fear getting hurt: rejected. I recently had to cut ties with someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive. That person was controlling, however, I don't entirely condemn him, he obviously has serious issues if he can only insult me as a mean for control and power in our "relationship". I admit like others who are verbally assaulted, I didn't think I could stand up for myself as feared I would be letting him down otherwise. I am angry deep inside at him for hurting me and affecting my self-esteem though I also comprehend that he must hurt if this is how he treated me as a mean to keep me by. Today, I comprehend I didn't ask for him to hurt me nor disrespect me. I have to take care of myself, I cannot change him. As a result, I chose to concentrate on myself and walk away. Truth is he pushed me away by his behavior and words. I don't deserve nor want to be treated so poorly. Contrary to what he would claim: "he isn't the best thing that happened to me, he may well have been one of the worst thing as toxic".

Standing up!

I woke up once again thinking of someone who I wanted to rescue. Truth is I am upset. I have been hurt by this person, which I enabled to happen over and over. I constantly made excuses. When do we start to accept that we need to change our behavior? When the pain is too much? I wonder. I mean, I allowed many people to walk all over me, on the premise that they didn't mean too (convinced myself, they couldn't do it truly intentionally). Of course, I felt used, hurt and became angry in the moment as it happened though I also hurried to burry deep down how I felt. I didn't believe I had a right to stand up for myself. Today, I comprehend I struggle between what I know and think, and what I believe. I may know that I have the right to my feelings though I don't believe it. As a result, I coward and let "abuse" happen. 

ACoA has its own serenity prayer version:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."

I do come to understand that what made me stay for so long by the side of my tormentors, or ignore my true feelings is that I hoped one day, these people would change because they could. Today, I had to admit I can only change my behavior. Furthermore, hoping that others get better needs to cease being a preoccupation of mine. These people that hurt me (and themselves) are obviously in denial. I cannot force them to look at themselves. I can only remove myself from further painful situations. I can stop allowing them to hurt me by keeping my distance. I'll admit it is difficult at first as I felt responsible for their wellbeing for so long, hence felt as if I was letting them down. I now comprehend, I never let them down, instead I was letting myself down. 

Seeking help: ACoA

Recently, I recognized that I needed help. Being codependent in my relationships, an approval seeker, I lost my identity. As a result, I chose to take steps toward recovery: I went to an Al-anon and a ACoA meetings today. Below are some of the traits (found in common among individuals that grew up in an alcoholic household) described in "The Laundry List" of ACoA.

• became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
• became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process
• frightened by angry people and any personal criticism
• have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves (enabling us not to look too closely at our own faults)
• get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others
• confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue"
• have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial)
• judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem
• are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us
• are reactors rather than actors

Breaking the pattern of codependency

Yesterday, I chose to regain control of my life. Truth is I hit rock bottom (wakeup call), which triggered me to make change imperative. Instead of ignoring or minimizing the facts, I finally recognized them as difficult and painful, and true. Begins my recovery process.

1. Understanding what is meant by codependency. 

As described by Darlene Lancer, MFT (licensed marriage and family therapist): "In relationships, codependents' lives revolve around someone else - especially those they love. Their loved ones preoccupy their thoughts, feelings, and conversations. Like jumpy rabbits, they react to everything, put aside what they need and feel, and try to control what they can't. The stress of it feels normal, but it's not."

"Codependency is insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy, peace of mind, and the ability to have sustained, loving relationships. It affects your relationship with yourself and with others."

"Codependents live with a high degree of shame, stress, and reactivity. They suppress their feelings or explode, and have behaviors that stem from fear, guilt, and the need to control others. [...] Often codependent relationships involve emotional or physical abuse and addiction. [...] codependents feel trapped and unhappy because they give up themselves by denying or suppressing their needs and feelings and fear being alone or rejected. To cope, they sometimes disregard what's actually happening in the present." (This rings true for myself)

"Codependents feel uncomfortable being themselves. They develop a persona in the world that reacts to others, to their own self-criticism, and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To be acceptable to others and to themselves, they hide who they are and become who they aren't. Shame due to earlier trauma conceals their real, core self, which they can't access. Many codependents aren't even aware of how self-critical they are, yet they suffer "tyranny of the shoulds"." (I always felt as if I have a mask on, pretending to be someone I am not, someone others expect me to be)

"Dysfunctional parenting in childhood (such as, critical, indifferent, rigid, invasive, inconsistent, or rejecting parents) causes codependents to repress their authentic feelings and develop deep shame-based beliefs about who they are and their rights, needs and lovability. Sometimes their beliefs are due to abuse, and sometimes they're inferred from the behavior of indifferent or emotionally unavailable parents. Shame is also the result of the anger they turned against themselves, instead of directing it toward the parents they looked up to and relied upon for survival."

"To get by, many codependents learned to comply and measure up to an imagined ideal. Others withdrew or rebelled. As adults, some codependents constantly fell inadequate, whereas others identify with their ideal self and think they have high self-esteem. Many become perfectionists to balance the self-hatred they feel inside. They may strive to be loving, good, beautiful, accomplished, or successful in an effort to prove their worth and/or to be independent and never again need anyone. Yet, the more they try, the more depressed they become, because they're abandoning the real self that wasn't nurtured by their original caretakers."

"denial is a symptom of codependency"

2. What codependents feel

"Because either you weren't taught to name your feelings or your childhood environment prevented their free expression, it's likely that you're not often aware of your feelings. Having emotions is different. Codependents can cry and rage, but aren't able to name a feeling or know why they're upset." (How I feel)

"People who are overwhelmed with feelings need to contain and understand them." (I feel overwhelmed by my feelings which I don't understand)

Life is a journey

I am a people pleaser. I suffer as it is affecting me: I am codependent. I judge and second guess myself all the time. I struggle with anxiety which stems from a low self esteem. My childhood without getting into the details affected me more than I was willing to admit. As I begin the process to recovery, I wish to let others know that they are not alone. I will share my insights and thoughts as I work toward my goal: finding myself.

To be codependent means for me: I can't say no, I fear I am letting others down, I feel guilt for not helping others (even though at times I don't want to), I feel responsible for making others happy (including strangers).

Price to pay: I have been labeled "type A" personality, tending toward "perfectionism". In social settings, I feel at odd, hence avoid socializing by helping the host, will offer to do the dishes..., I feel uncomfortable and out of place around loud music, noise, crowd of people, as I feel confused.
Alternatively, I can seem to seek the attention by becoming loud without realizing it. Either way, I always feel like a failure as I know my behavior is not how I wish I had acted.

I compulsively seek acceptance. I will hide what I feel to avoid disapproval while I can be explaining my issues to others without them listening as mostly irrelevant to them. It seems I don't respect others' personal space. I don't realize what I did until later. It is embarrassing.

While I can be a great listener to many, I can without intent engage in a discussion where I am not really listening, instead I am having a monologue. I come to realize it is not a "discussion". I am often not aware I am doing it until later. It is mortifying.

Codependent individuals care about others. We come with good intentions. The struggle is we tend to want others to want what we think to be best in our opinion. Truth is others need to express themselves, which we tend to deflect.

I don't accept compliments or favors well. I tend to think I don't deserve them.

I think about the past constantly. I wish I could alter my past actions or the outcomes of interactions.

Today, I come to accept that I need to learn to set boundaries for myself while respecting others' boundaries. I need to leave the past in the past, as I can't change it. I can only change my behavior.

First step: Recognizing the issues

• I feel like I am walking on egg shells
• I fear confrontation hence avoid such at all costs
• Make poor (or wrong) decisions trying to accommodate others
• Feel angry at myself for letting others get their way (doormat)
• Feel guilt for telling little white lies as to avoid anger and conflicts with others
• Feel used 
• Feel incapacitated to say "NO"
• Feel hurt (ashamed) by the lack of control in my behavior 
• Find it difficult if not impossible to end an obviously dysfunctional relationship 
• Fear offending others if we were to impose our desires upon them