Being true to yourself

I recently discovered that to be happy, I first needed to be happy with myself. In my awakening, I discovered new things about myself such as I can draw. Until recently, I lived in fear, as an attempt to overcome them, I chose to face them. This led me to take a motorcycle course, I own a Harley; I bought a sketch pad and soon discovered I enjoyed drawing animals; I always feared being seen as bad if stepped outside my "good girl" role, I got a tattoo about 10 days ago.... In other words, I needed to be me, set myself free from my fears.

Spring is here

For the past few days, as the weather has become more pleasant, temperatures rose, the boys and I enjoyed nice sunny walks. As the ice and snow melted, Curley and Rowdy could not resist going for an early spring swim in ponds and rivers. At first, I was concerned the water would be too cold for them, though as I observed them having fun despite getting dirty, I relaxed and enjoyed seeing them taking delight in taking a deep. I cannot emphasize how much I love my dogs. Watching them swimming and or running freely in the woods, along the path, hunting for rodents and or seeking sticks, I feel blessed to have them in my life. We became a family. These dogs are my kids, I am a lucky mom.

Life is now

Surviving meant being in denial. Yesterday, I came to accept that my mother may never apologize nor get better. Part of me was angry as I feel she owes us all an apology for hurting us. Though, I also think that for a parent to face the responsibility of having hurt your children must be horrific, hence, I tell myself that if she didn't get sober or chose to face her responsibility, it's because it would harm her too much. I also reminded myself that she already was hurt to start with, otherwise, she wouldn't have been drinking to swallow her pain. As her child, I will always love her, hence, I need to let go of the fact that it never was nor would it have been different. I need to live in the present.

• there are 3 options: remove yourself from the situation, change it or accept it.
• learning to communicate boundaries effectively "I am not comfortable with that", "I appreciate if you wouldn't...", "Please don't..."

Attempting to let go of the pain and cease being angry

These past few days, I realized that I cannot run away from my past: the pain remains. I feel as if I live in fears. I worry about everything and constantly try to control my surrounding as I live afraid. Truth is I am scared to get hurt though really I am hurting myself by living in fear. I can't forget what happened in my childhood, nor can I erase from my memory what I heard. I can however slowly and with practice let go of my fears. I need to accept that things today and tomorrow are and will be different. I need to be living in the present not worrying. As a result, I need to let go of my anger. I always thought I was in control of my anger, I was wrong. Truth is anger is an emotion that does nothing good for my well being. On the contrary, I am embarrassed by it. I don't want to be an angry person. Hence, I need to comprehend better why I am angry and how I can prevent it from controlling me. Yes, I am angry that I never felt part of a family, that my mother who should have been my pillar turned verbally on me. I am upset that alcohol stole my mother and became an obstacle between my family and I. I am upset that I can't forgive yet and let go of the pain. I thought I could, though recently I realized I still had anger buried deep inside. While I'll admit I comprehend anger is an emotion that alerts me, it is toxic and I strongly believe nobody deserves to be yelled or insulted at, despite the pain they caused. I tend to believe perhaps naively that those that hurt us, only hurt us because themselves hurt too. So, while I am angry at my "mother" for her words and actions growing up, she is a human hence not perfect. Yelling or insulting her does not help her nor I. I feel more guilty afterward as I feel I was mean. I don't have to forgive, excuse nor forget what happened, though I must let go for my sanity and for the ones I care about including my mother, father and siblings. I can't still be mad for something I had no control over and which happened years ago. Being angry won't change things, though it certainly will consume me.

As I try to find peace, I wish anyone struggling with anger to work also on letting go. It isn't easy though I truly believe we need to cease being angry. We have a right to our feelings hence feel angry though we must accept that being angry does nothing beneficial for us.

Going forward

I wish to share my experience in hope to prevent others to get hurt. I grew up in a home with a violent alcoholic parent: my mother. Truth is I didn't let go of my pain yet. I am in the process of healing myself. As strange as it may sound to many who didn't grow up in such condition, it is painful and affects us deeply. I thought once I'd leave far away from my family, I'd be safe. I was wrong. I have PTSD, I still jump whenever I get startled. I fear others, as I am afraid I will get hurt. Love is scaring me as I fear getting hurt: rejected. I recently had to cut ties with someone who was verbally and emotionally abusive. That person was controlling, however, I don't entirely condemn him, he obviously has serious issues if he can only insult me as a mean for control and power in our "relationship". I admit like others who are verbally assaulted, I didn't think I could stand up for myself as feared I would be letting him down otherwise. I am angry deep inside at him for hurting me and affecting my self-esteem though I also comprehend that he must hurt if this is how he treated me as a mean to keep me by. Today, I comprehend I didn't ask for him to hurt me nor disrespect me. I have to take care of myself, I cannot change him. As a result, I chose to concentrate on myself and walk away. Truth is he pushed me away by his behavior and words. I don't deserve nor want to be treated so poorly. Contrary to what he would claim: "he isn't the best thing that happened to me, he may well have been one of the worst thing as toxic".

Standing up!

I woke up once again thinking of someone who I wanted to rescue. Truth is I am upset. I have been hurt by this person, which I enabled to happen over and over. I constantly made excuses. When do we start to accept that we need to change our behavior? When the pain is too much? I wonder. I mean, I allowed many people to walk all over me, on the premise that they didn't mean too (convinced myself, they couldn't do it truly intentionally). Of course, I felt used, hurt and became angry in the moment as it happened though I also hurried to burry deep down how I felt. I didn't believe I had a right to stand up for myself. Today, I comprehend I struggle between what I know and think, and what I believe. I may know that I have the right to my feelings though I don't believe it. As a result, I coward and let "abuse" happen. 

ACoA has its own serenity prayer version:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. The courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know that one is me."

I do come to understand that what made me stay for so long by the side of my tormentors, or ignore my true feelings is that I hoped one day, these people would change because they could. Today, I had to admit I can only change my behavior. Furthermore, hoping that others get better needs to cease being a preoccupation of mine. These people that hurt me (and themselves) are obviously in denial. I cannot force them to look at themselves. I can only remove myself from further painful situations. I can stop allowing them to hurt me by keeping my distance. I'll admit it is difficult at first as I felt responsible for their wellbeing for so long, hence felt as if I was letting them down. I now comprehend, I never let them down, instead I was letting myself down. 

Seeking help: ACoA

Recently, I recognized that I needed help. Being codependent in my relationships, an approval seeker, I lost my identity. As a result, I chose to take steps toward recovery: I went to an Al-anon and a ACoA meetings today. Below are some of the traits (found in common among individuals that grew up in an alcoholic household) described in "The Laundry List" of ACoA.

• became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures
• became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process
• frightened by angry people and any personal criticism
• have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves (enabling us not to look too closely at our own faults)
• get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others
• confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue"
• have stuffed our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial)
• judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem
• are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us
• are reactors rather than actors